Shorter.Net

Shorter Stephen Harper

2010-10-08T19:02:00.001-04:00

If we don't beat Portugal I'll blame the Liberals - the stooges who follow me will believe that

Tories blame Liberals ahead of UN seat vote

The federal Conservatives have begun suggesting quietly that Liberal Leader Michael Ignatieff will be to blame if Canada does not win a seat on the United Nations Security Council.

(ht Blunt Objects)

Shorter Lawrence Canon:

2010-10-07T21:10:00.000-04:00

Sure I'm crass and a shameless political partisan - so what?

Foreign Affairs Minister Lawrence Cannon delivered that partisan message to an audience of international diplomats gathered to hear a major speech on Canada’s foreign policy at his department’s headquarters.

Shorter Maxime Bernier

2010-10-07T19:22:00.000-04:00

All my emails are deleted so I can't prove your sorry asses wrong.

Contrary to the correspondence received by the ministry, which is kept by civil servants, the email correspondence at my MP office has all been deleted.

PS: Do you like the identical emails sent by different people angle?

Shorter Harper Government

2010-10-03T19:22:00.000-04:00

What kid doesn't like a road trip, and if we got our pictures taken giving them that joy what of it?

Haitian orphans destined for Quebec, many of them cold and exhausted, were rerouted through Ottawa for what critics say was nothing more than a photo-op for the Harper government.

Shorter Fox News

2010-10-03T15:18:00.000-04:00

Obama is picking on us

Shorter RCMP

2010-09-30T19:54:00.000-04:00

Sure there's video of us abusing Aboriginal people, but don't judge us.

Holmes says the videos show a First Nation man tied to a chair for hours while several officers tackled another prisoner who was sitting on a bench and that a Mountie punched a third man for refusing to immediately respond to commands.

But RCMP Sgt. Rob Vermeulen says the public should reserve judgment in each case before they know the full story and that using force is sometimes a reality of police work.

(hat tip @AudreyHuntley via @sohakneen)

Shorter House of Commons

2010-09-30T17:28:00.000-04:00

Let us all pander for Quebec votes together

That this House, while recognizing the importance of vigorous debate on subjects of public interest, expresses its profound sadness at the prejudice displayed and the stereotypes employed by Maclean’s Magazine to denigrate the Quebec nation, its history and its institutions.

Shorter Stephen Harper

2010-09-29T20:28:00.000-04:00

The only time the will of the people is right is when they agree with me.

Tories ignore opposition motion to bring back long-form census

Shorter Government of Canada

2010-09-23T16:40:00.000-04:00

Jesus Christ people, of course we dig into the past of those who criticize us, we're the government.

Confidential medical and financial information belonging to an outspoken critic of Veterans Affairs, including part of a psychiatrist’s report, found its way into the briefing notes of a cabinet minister.

Highly personal information about Sean Bruyea was contained in a 13-page briefing note prepared by bureaucrats in 2006 for then minister Greg Thompson, a copy of which was obtained by The Canadian Press.

Shorter Five Feet Of Fury

2010-09-21T18:40:00.000-04:00

I'm a real live uninformed historical revisionist Canadian bigot, so what?

Look at Canadian Indians or whatever they're called this week. One dead guy in Oka, a few imaginary smallpox blankets, and they get to take over whole towns at gunpoint.

The idea is being promoted by The Halls of Macadamia who is being promoted by the Blogging Tories.

(ht stageleft on twitter)

I know that's not short but sometimes you have to break with tradition.

Shorter GOP

2010-09-21T17:55:00.000-04:00

We're homophobic and proud of it

U.S. Senate Republicans block repeal of military gay ban

Senate Republicans have blocked an effort to repeal the law banning gays from serving openly in the military.

Shorter US soldiers

2010-09-09T18:41:00.000-04:00

Oh come on already, it was just for fun and those fingers are the best souvenirs ever.

US soldiers 'killed Afghan civilians for sport and collected fingers as trophies'

Shorter religion of peace

2010-09-06T13:14:00.000-04:00

Book burnings are cool

Shorter Stephen Harper

2010-09-02T10:36:00.000-04:00

I'm the Prime Minister, I don't have to make sense.

h/t Impolitical

Shorter BC RCMP

2010-09-02T09:13:00.003-04:00

We watch drunken lesbian jail sex

Three police officers and three civilian jail staff have been suspended from their jobs over allegations the men watched two women inmates have sex while in the "drunk tank" of the Kamloops, B.C., jail.

Shorter Stephen Harper

2010-08-26T15:46:00.000-04:00

I'm the PM dammit and I'll make/break whatever rules I want

Following a day of announcements and photos opportunities Mr. Harper was to have boarded a C130-J Hercules for the trip to Whitehorse, Yukon, where further events awaited.

Instead, to the obvious surprise of the security detail, he got onto a four-wheel all-terrain vehicle and headed at high speed out onto the airport runway, with police cruisers and ATV’s belatedly — and futilely — in pursuit.

The rogue PM eventually returned to the aircraft where he was surrounded by reporters and photographers, one of whom wondered whether he had a licence to operate the vehicle — especially on restricted space such as an air strip?

“I think I make the rules,” the PM quipped.

Shorter Stephen Harper

2010-08-23T13:43:00.000-04:00

Look, when our ancestors arrived by the boatload it was OK, but now that we're here there are no more boatloads allowed.

Shorter 1 in 5 Americans

2010-08-19T14:08:00.000-04:00

We're not only completely uninformed but a lot of us are Republicans.

The view that Obama is a Muslim is more widespread among his political opponents than among his backers. Roughly a third of conservative Republicans (34%) say Obama is a Muslim

Shorter Stephen Harper

2010-08-17T13:18:00.000-04:00

We said we support the troops, the vets are a different story.

Never one to mince words, Stogran's criticism of the federal bureaucracy's treatment of injured soldiers and policies, such as the replacement of pensions with lump-sum payments and disability stipends, has grown more harsh. He's said Veterans Affairs has adopted a "penny-pinching, insurance-company mentality" toward its clients.

Shorter US Police

2010-08-11T11:46:00.000-04:00

Take video of us at your peril

Anthony Graber, a Maryland Air National Guard staff sergeant, faces up to 16 years in prison. His crime? He videotaped his March encounter with a state trooper who pulled him over for speeding on a motorcycle. Then Graber put the video — which could put the officer in a bad light — up on YouTube.

It doesn't sound like much. But Graber is not the only person being slapped down by the long arm of the law for the simple act of videotaping the police in a public place. Prosecutors across the U.S. claim the videotaping violates wiretap laws — a stretch, to put it mildly.

Shorter Ottawa Sun Readers

2010-08-08T22:19:00.000-04:00

Dear editorial board, we think your ideas are stupid

Steve
August 8th 2010, 9:14pm

Whoever wrote this insulting, embarrassing, wrong-headed and just plain stupid tripe has my sympathy. I wouldn't want my byline on it either.

Shorter Stephen Harper

2010-08-05T18:21:00.000-04:00

How will I rally my foot soldiers, oh yeah - OPPOSITION COALITION!!

“We know there are some in the opposition coalition again threatening an election but, colleagues, that is not what Canadians want,” Mr. Harper said at the opening of his party’s summer caucus session.

Shorter Adrian MacNair (National Post)

2010-08-03T17:13:00.000-04:00

Federal civil servants should suck it up, moral not important in the public service

Am I supposed to care about how public sector bureaucrats feel about their job? This pearl-clutching melodrama has been going on for a month now, and every subsequent opinion piece on the story gets less and less interesting.

You’d think we were discussing something where morale is actually important, such as the attitude of our troops in the field of combat.

Shorter Stephen Harper

2010-08-02T20:13:00.000-04:00

It costs a lot of money to tell people what a good job I'm doing

The cost of running the Prime Minister’s Office will jump by more than $1-million this year, mostly because of communications expenses.

Shorter Stockwell Day

2010-07-27T18:11:00.000-04:00

Long form census could be used to out closet crazies and Jews

If you are among the groups of people who are demanding this free info I have a question for you based on past 'quizzes'. Do you think it is right that you can threaten your neighbour with jail time if she doesn't tell you if she has mental issues or not? Or who does what chores in the house?

Or whether she is a Jew or not? Don't you find that one even a little bit chilling?

(ht BigCityLib Strikes Back)

Shorter Toronto Police

2010-07-23T08:23:00.000-04:00

Obligations? Us? Don't be daft. We are the police & we do what we want, when we want, if we fell like doing it at all.

A Superior Court judge is putting the blame squarely on Toronto police for systematic delays in dealing with the large number of impaired driving cases in the city.

Justice Gary Trotter is suggesting that Toronto police have a “casual attitude” to meeting the obligation to disclose all relevant evidence in a timely fashion to people charged with impaired driving.

Shorter Whale

2010-07-23T08:05:00.000-04:00

Heads up folks, coming through.

Shorter Vancouver Police

2010-07-22T14:34:00.001-04:00

Get the fuc|< out of our way you stupid gimp.

Hastings Street, Vancouver from BCCLA staff on Vimeo.

Shorter Stephen Harper

2010-07-21T16:04:00.000-04:00

Awh crap.

Former Conservative MP and junior minister Helena Guergis has been cleared of all allegations of criminal wrongdoing leveled against her by the Prime Minister’s Office earlier this year, her lawyer said on Wednesday.

Shorter Michael Ignatieff

2010-07-15T18:08:00.001-04:00

Vote for me, I've got a nice smile

(h/t @stageleft)

PS: I was out of town for a few days, did ya miss me?

Shorter Michael Ignatieff

2010-07-15T17:58:00.002-04:00

The bus repairs cost us a bundle so we had to fire our professional photographers

(photo credit CBC)

Shorter Global TV

2010-07-13T16:11:00.001-04:00

Sure we make up news, but it's for a good cause: ratings.

July 10, the Northern Insights posting I'm wondering related how Global TV salted its report by adding unrelated footage to its video report on the Toronto G20 demonstrations. People trust TV news in Canada to be honest and video should reflect reality not fiction.

(h/t stageleft)

Shorter Antonia Zerbisias

2010-07-11T19:02:00.000-04:00

Media not using Twitter are pushing old news

Long after the network crews had packed up, hours after reporters had filed their stories, Twitter was there, providing real-time news plus links to videos from the protest frontlines.

Shorter Stephen Harper

2010-07-10T18:58:00.002-04:00

So what if my Senate picks are Conservative losers that people didn't want as MP's

There was a new Conservative senator appointed yesterday, bringing the Tory numbers in the Red Chamber to 52 compared to the Liberals 49.

I guess the first question would go something like this: Salma Who? I can't even pronounce her last name, but apparently Salma Ataullahjan is a South Asian community activist in the Greater Toronto Area, last seen losing to Liberal MP Navdeep Bains by around 7000 votes.

[ ..... ]

Claude Carignan (Quebec) - last seen losing in Riviere-des-Mille-Iles in 2008.
Fabian Manning (Nfld.) - former MP, won seat in Avalon in 2006 then lost it in 2008.
Yonah Martin (BC) - last seen losing in New Westminister-Coquitlam in 2008.
John Wallace (New Brunswick) - last seen losing in Saint John in 2006.

Shorter Conservative Senators

2010-07-09T13:31:00.000-04:00

Screw you Harper, we're here now and we're staying

Another Conservative senator is casting doubt on Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s plan to elect the upper chamber, suggesting support for an elected Senate is weakening among new Tory appointees.

(h/t Stageleft via Twitter )

Shorter American Cops

2010-07-09T11:32:00.001-04:00

A heavy black gun, a light yellow taser, they all look the same to us

Today Johannes Mehserle, the former BART police officer who killed Oscar Grant while he was lying face down and handcuffed in an Oakland train station, was convicted of involuntary manslaughter -- his crime, according to the jury, was negligence in not knowing the difference between his heavy black gun and his light yellow Taser.

(ht @adamserwer)

Shorter Toronto G20 Exposed

2010-07-07T21:13:00.000-04:00

Ever see an anarchist looking like he just stepped out of a Bourne movie?

He is wearing this Arc'teryx jacket that costs $650 CAD

For an "anarchist" who is so angry at police that he smashes a police car, he certainly has some expensive gear that looks brand new.

Tag line via @GreatDismal

Shorter Ontario Police

2010-07-03T11:33:00.002-04:00

Ooops... caught again

At the police station, the court said, two officers punched Tran after he refused to talk. His jaw was broken in two places, resulting in permanent injuries.

The officers later tried to cover up the assault, the court found. The trial judge said the evidence was "overwhelming" that both officers had assaulted Tran.

Shorter Government of Ontario

2010-06-29T14:41:00.001-04:00

We're good here, if Ottawa wants an inquest into G20 police tactics that's their business

Queen’s Park says it’s up to Ottawa to call a public inquiry into the G20 Summit that roiled Toronto.

And Toronto Mayor David Miller insists no inquiry is needed....

Shorter G20 Police

2010-06-28T18:01:00.000-04:00

We don't care who the fuck you write for, we'll beat up any reporters we want

Mr. Paikin said he saw another journalist, Jesse Rosenfeld, a contributor to Web site of The Guardian, the British newspaper, being held by two police officers while a third punched the reporter in the stomach. After Mr. Rosenfeld fell to the ground, the third officer jabbed an elbow into his back....

Shorter Canadian Media

2010-06-27T17:25:00.000-04:00

Look, we have a job to do here. If you're not breaking windows, burning cars, or getting arrested, you're not what we want.

What the media ignored: 25,000 peacefully demonstrate against G20 policies and the Harper government in Toronto

Unlike what you have likely seen on CBC or CTV, this is what the majority of activists were doing on Saturday in Toronto.

Shorter BP

2010-06-27T11:13:00.000-04:00

Storm break, everybody go home.... maybe the wind will blow it all away while we're gone.

Efforts to siphon oil from the ruptured well in the Gulf of Mexico will be put on hold for the next five days. A storm, bringing with it gale-force winds, is threatening the area and the U.S. Coastguard are saying the time is needed to shut down the operation. While work is stopped, the oil could flow into the sea unchecked for the next two weeks.

Shorter Vatican

2010-06-25T10:48:00.001-04:00

We're the church, you can't do that to us

The Vatican on Friday protested to Belgium over raids carried out on Church offices and the home of a cardinal by investigators looking into sexual abuse of minors by Catholic priests.

Shorter Drunk New Zealander

2010-06-24T13:54:00.000-04:00

Why not? I was stuck, the rescue crews were taking a long time, and I still had beer left in the car

A drunk driver trapped after overturning his car cracked open another can of beer while he waited for emergency crews to rescue him, a New Zealand court was told.

Shorter Yellowknife Landlord

2010-06-24T08:15:00.000-04:00

Yer honourship, I had no choice. I was afraid that if I didn't cast those bum ****ing faggots out into the street God would have cast my imortal soul into the fiery pits of hell for all eternity.

A landlord who said he feared God's wrath has found himself in front of the Human Rights Commission in the Northwest Territories after refusing two gay men an apartment.

Speaking in his own defence in a Yellowknife boardroom, property owner Will Goertzen read from the Bible as he attempted to justify his not honouring a lease with Scott Robertson and Richard Anthony after finding out they were a couple.

Shorter Ottawa

2010-06-23T22:03:00.000-04:00

We like our martinis shaken, not stirred

It has been confirmed that a 5.0 magnitude earthquake has shaken centres across Ontario.

Shorter B.C. Firefighters

2010-06-22T21:43:00.000-04:00

What? We couldn't save the hotel but at least we saved the beer.

Two firefighters in Oliver, B.C., have been suspended over allegations that they drank beer saved from a fire at a historic hotel.

The RCMP is investigating allegations that six kegs of beer were removed from the fire-ravaged Mesa Hotel on May 23. One of the kegs was tapped after all six were moved to the Oliver fire hall in the back of a private truck.

Shorter CSIS

2010-06-22T13:59:00.000-04:00

We can't find no terrorists, but look out for them scary anarchists

The upcoming G8 and G20 summits in Huntsville, Ont., and Toronto do not appear to be the subject of terrorist chatter, the head of Canada's spy agency said Monday.

Shorter American People

2010-06-20T23:52:00.002-04:00

Dammit, we don't want to be counted. Now go away and leave us alone.

Since they began making follow-up house calls in early May, census takers have encountered vitriol, menace and flashes of violence. They have been shot at with pellet guns and hit by baseball bats. They have been confronted with pickaxes, crossbows and hammers. They've had lawn mowers pushed menacingly toward them and patio tables thrown their way. They have been nibbled by ducks, bitten by pit bulls and chased by packs of snarling dogs.

Shorter RCMP

2010-06-19T21:41:00.000-04:00

We said we're sorry, and we gave his mother some money, so you can trust us again.

"We hope that the actions we have taken to date, including our apology and our settlement with Mrs. Cisowski [Dziekanski's mother], contribute to the healing process and to public trust in the RCMP,"

Shorter Ted Haggard

2010-06-12T18:01:00.000-04:00

It's just going to be a little church this time, and I promise not to be gay anymore

Former megachurch pastor Ted Haggard said Wednesday that he will launch a new church from his Colorado Springs home, 3 1/2 years after he resigned from his ministry amid an embarrassing and devastating sex scandal.

"This is my resurrection day," he declared.

Haggard said his new venture would not be a megachurch like New Life Church, the congregation he founded in 1985 and then left in 2006 after a male prostitute said Haggard paid him for sex.

Shorter Conservative Party of Canada

2010-06-12T13:26:00.000-04:00

What we said in the House isn't important

“This next-generation fighter, again, will be an open, competitive, transparent process that will see us receive the best capability, to provide that capability to the best pilots in the world,” Mr. MacKay said.

But what the Americans think is

The Harper government is refusing to open up the $16-billion purchase of 65 new fighter jets to a competition because of the potential negative reaction in the United States and other allied countries, internal documents show.

Shorter Arlington National Cemetery

2010-06-11T15:40:00.000-04:00

Give us a break will ya, we know where most of them are

An investigation carried out by General Steven Whitcomb, Inspector-General of the US Army, revealed yesterday that the nation’s most sacred shrine was a shambles, where hundreds of graves are incorrectly marked.

Headstones have the wrong names, some graves recorded as empty have the remains of unidentified soldiers — and there have been cases of doubling up, with the body of one dead soldier dumped on another.

Shorter British Financial System

2010-06-11T15:03:00.000-04:00

Darn-it, and they were one of our big ones

BP’s share price, even after recovering some ground in New York trading on Thursday, has fallen more than 40 percent since the environmental catastrophe in April, and some analysts say the crisis could lead to the takeover or even the bankruptcy of one of Britain’s most valuable and iconic companies.

Shorter China

2010-06-10T22:54:00.000-04:00

Dear bald people we changed our mind, you can visit if you want

China cancels visa restriction on bald Taiwanese visitors

Shorter Liberal Party of Canada

2010-06-10T13:28:00.000-04:00

The Conservatives are sliding in the polls

Stephen Harper’s Conservatives are floundering as the Tory party moves from being “in the driver’s seat” just three weeks ago to “riding shotgun”, according to a new EKOS poll.

Quickly now, let's screw ourselves over

Liberals torn apart by bid to co-operate
Resolution to consort with other parties infuriates loyalists

Shorter Dutch People

2010-06-10T12:51:00.000-04:00

Yeah we're bigoted and fearful - so what?

Surge for Dutch anti-Islam Freedom Party

A Dutch anti-Islam party has more than doubled its seats in parliament in a national vote, though it is unclear if it will take part in a coalition.

Shorter George Bush

2010-06-09T21:51:00.000-04:00

I ordered torture once and I'd do it again

Sure, we waterboarded Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, former President George W. Bush reportedly said on Tuesday. And he would “do it again to save lives.”

Shorter Israel

2010-06-09T19:01:00.000-04:00

Cut us some slack or we might just go totally wild next time

“Our critics don’t get it,” Oren said. “In Jenin, we went house-to-house and sent 23 soldiers to their death. But if we’re going to be called war criminals no matter what we do, then maybe that changes our thinking.”

Call me suspicious if you will, but doesn't that sound like a threat?

Shorter Blogging Tory

2010-06-09T14:20:00.000-04:00

"Canada is OK", but I'd rather live in Arizona

I know where I will retire, not sure from what yet. Canada is okay. The world admires us, especially after we won 14 gold medals in the Winter Olympics and that we have a great Prime Minister — Stephen Harper — who refuses bank taxes and the ridiculous global warming community concepts.

But, should I be able to part this impecunious lifestyle of a broke, unpublished author, I might consider Arizona near a huge cactus, in the desert so I can smoke cigars, and write my peace loving weblog without illegals and possible threats.

Shorter Diamond Offshore

2010-06-09T13:44:00.000-04:00

Oh crap!! Now they know about our leak

The Deepwater Horizon is not the only well leaking oil into the Gulf of Mexico for the last month.

A nearby drilling rig, the Ocean Saratoga, has been leaking since at least April 30, according to a federal document.

Shorter Daniel Petit (Charlesbourg—Haute-Saint-Charles, CPC)

2010-06-08T20:49:00.000-04:00

A Poll? What Poll?

Mr. Daniel Petit (Charlesbourg—Haute-Saint-Charles, CPC): Mr. Speaker, yesterday, the Leader of the Liberal Party admitted that he would form a coalition government if the opportunity presented itself after the next election.

- snip -

The Liberals' plan is still unacceptable to Canadians. It is unacceptable to democracy to ignore the results of an election and to install a party and a leader that were rejected by the voters.

Meanwhile, in the real world

A new poll suggests more than half of Canadians favour some sort of co-operation between the federal Liberals and New Democrats.

(ht Peace, order and good government, 'eh?)

Shorter Conservative Party of Canada

2010-06-08T13:56:00.001-04:00

It's the fault of the mainstream media (again)

Peter Kent, junior foreign affairs minister and former TV anchorman, blamed the media for the fake lake in Toronto, accusing television networks of using make believe backgrounds for their stand ups and interviews.

(ht stribe39)

Shorter Gods Representative on Earth

2010-06-07T22:27:00.002-04:00

Am I an anti-Semite?

“The Israeli occupation of Palestinian Territories is creating difficulties in everyday life, inhibiting freedom of movement, the economy and religious life,”

Shorter Council of Canadians

2010-06-07T13:36:00.001-04:00

If we must have it lets name it "Harpers Folly"

"We have sent an official request to the Geographical Names Board of Canada to have Canada's newest lake named "Harper's Folly" in honour of the Prime Minister" said Mark Calzavara, the Ontario/Quebec Organizer for the Council of Canadians. "We believe that all Canadians-regardless of their political views- will agree that the only thing more outrageous than spending $1.1 billion on a three day meeting is thinking that an indoor lake next to a big television could possibly compare to the spectacular beauty of cottage country."

Shorter Israel

2010-06-06T21:42:00.001-04:00

Screw you looking around and asking your embarrassing questions

Israel rejected on Sunday a proposal by U.N. Secretary-General Ban ki-Moon for an international investigation into its deadly raid on a Gaza-bound aid ship and said it had the right to launch its own inquiry.

Shorter Question Of The Day

2010-06-04T10:06:00.001-04:00

Can you guess what this is?

Shorter Benjamin Netanyahu

2010-06-04T10:01:00.000-04:00

Go away, there ain't nobody getting in

We shall not allow the ships to reach Gaza. Not now and not later on.

Shorter Israeli Demonstrators

2010-06-04T07:26:00.000-04:00

Death to the Arabs, death to the Arabs!

Shorter Conservative Party

2010-06-03T15:11:00.001-04:00

Neener, neener, neener, if ya can't catch us ya can't serve us

Two government officials are playing cat-and-mouse with a Commons committee bailiff trying to serve them a summons.

MPs at the ethics committee are hearing how Prime Minister Stephen Harper's director of communications, and another political aide, did not return repeated calls from the bailiff over two days.

The bailiff also told the committee clerk that he had shown up at their government offices, but was barred entry and could not deliver the summons.

Shorter Senator James Cowan To Prime Minister Harper

2010-06-03T13:51:00.001-04:00

Liar, liar, pants on fire

PMO Communications Director Dimitri Soudas: “We have a minority in the Senate, and since Parliament has resumed, not a single bill, including the budget bill, has been passed into law by the Senate.”

Senator Cowan notes that 6 bills have been passed by the Senate since parliament resumed and that the budget bill has not yet arrived there.

(h/t Kady O'Malley via Twitter)

Shorter Americans

2010-06-03T13:39:00.000-04:00

Oh no!! A former presidential nominee and his wife are separating.... what will we ever do?

[Al & Tipper Gore] high-school sweethearts are splitting and many Americans are suffering from separation anxiety. The rest are wondering if creeping estrangement and boredom were really the reasons, though both Gores have insisted no one else is involved. Maybe Al growing a beard really was the sign of a mid-life crisis.

Shorter Florida

2010-06-02T09:36:00.000-04:00

OH CRAP!! Here it comes

Oil spotted about 9 miles off Fla. coast

An oil sheen was confirmed about nine miles off the Florida coast, and officials are saying it could hit the white sands of Pensacola Beach as soon as Wednesday.

Shorter Hillary Clinton

2010-06-01T18:17:00.000-04:00

I know Israel can't be impartial, but it sounds good in the media so I'm going to keep saying it.

US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said on Tuesday that Washington would support an Israeli investigation of the raid, but said it must be "prompt, impartial, credible and transparent", as called for by the UN.

Shorter British Petroleum

2010-06-01T13:33:00.000-04:00

Forget what we might have said before, there ain't nuthen guaranteed in this business

The best hope for stopping the flow of oil from the blown-out well at the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico has been compared with hitting a target the size of a dinner plate with a drill more than two miles into the earth, and is anything but a sure bet on the first attempt.

Shorter Mother Nature

2010-06-01T10:29:00.000-04:00

Let me repeat, I have lots of ammo in my arsenal

After a weekend of heavy rain brought on by tropical storm Agatha, the Guatemalan government posted this picture of a giant sinkhole that opened without warning in the country’s capital of Guatemala City.

Shorter Conservative Party of Canada

2010-05-31T21:29:00.000-04:00

When in doubt, pull the trigger

Calgary West member of Parliament Rob Anders is coming under fire for a well-wishing note he left for Canadian troops that says: "When in doubt, pull the trigger."

Shorter Government of Turkey

2010-05-31T19:58:00.001-04:00

We'll see your navy, and raise you one of our own.

Turkey recalled its ambassador to Israel and warned of unprecedented and incalculable reprisals.

Two Turkish activists were reported to be among those killed in the flotilla. Ankara warned that further supply vessels will be sent to Gaza, escorted by the Turkish Navy, a development with unpredictable consequences.

(Link via POGEE via Stageleft on Twitter)

Shorter Israel

2010-05-31T19:36:00.000-04:00

Oh STFU already, you did nothing last time, you'll do nothing this time, and you'll do nothing the next time - now go away and leave us alone.

Shorter British Petroleum

2010-05-30T17:28:00.000-04:00

All those scientists are lying

BP PLC CEO Tony Hayward is refuting claims by scientists that there are large undersea plumes from the Gulf oil spill.

Hayward said Sunday the oil is on the water's surface, and that BP's sampling showed "no evidence" of oil in the water column.

Shorter British Petroleum

2010-05-29T21:48:00.000-04:00

Awh man, we were sure throwing mud at it would work......

BP's three-day effort to throttle the leaking gulf oil well with multiple blasts of heavy mud has failed. The attempted "top kill" of the well was abandoned late Saturday afternoon, leaving the huge Macondo field deep beneath the sea floor once again free to pump at least half a million gallons of crude a day into the gulf.

Shorter Westboro Baptist Church

2010-05-28T19:34:00.000-04:00

Gay sex makes God pee oil

Shorter Stephen Harper

2010-05-27T18:58:00.004-04:00

Coalition alert, coalition alert!! Please send me lots of money.

Shorter Canadian Military

2010-05-27T18:55:00.000-04:00

All you need to know is that we know what you need to know, and we'll tell you if we think you need to know.

... the Canadian military regularly airbrushes certain acts of war right out of its media releases.

What's more, it also demands that Canadian reporters embedded with its troops accept an unyielding cone of silence over these events.

Shorter Things That Will Never Happen

2010-05-26T14:57:00.000-04:00

Because the Conservative base and major funders will never accept it

In a secret memorandum sent to federal Finance Minister Jim Flaherty and obtained by Canwest News Service, the top bureaucrat in his department recommended it was time to end the tax incentives as part of a move toward a balanced federal budget.

Shorter Stephen Harper

2010-05-26T13:52:00.000-04:00

Let's shove a whole bunch of unrelated stuff into one bill and see who complains

The bill, C-9, deals with more than just strictly budget matters. The Harper government has added other measures that ease environmental assessments and privatizes some postal services and parts of Atomic Energy of Canada Ltd.

And if they do we'll bitch them out during Question Period about not supporting the parts Canadians might actually want.

Shorter Sun Block Advice

2010-05-26T12:33:00.001-04:00

Be careful what you slather on your skin this summer

Almost half of the 500 most popular sunscreen products may actually increase the speed at which malignant cells develop and spread skin cancer because they contain vitamin A or its derivatives, according to an evaluation of those products released today.

(h/t rmassingham)

Shorter People of Britain

2010-05-26T09:27:00.000-04:00

Climate change? What climate change?

A survey in February by the BBC found that only 26 percent of Britons believed that “climate change is happening and is now established as largely manmade,” down from 41 percent in November 2009

Shorter Every Other Oil Company On The Planet

2010-05-26T07:53:00.001-04:00

BP sucks

The Northwest Territories is joining Arctic aboriginals in calling for more environmental safeguards before allowing offshore oil drilling.

N.W.T. Premier Floyd Roland says the blowout off Louisiana has changed the territorial government´s stance on the issue.

Shorter Canadian MP's

2010-05-24T21:04:00.000-04:00

And we don't think you need to know if we're working or not either

Spending habits aren’t the only things MPs want to conceal these days — their attendance records are also off limits to the public.

Shorter Gulf Oil Spill Solution

2010-05-24T20:55:00.000-04:00

Maybe we could just burn it all and start again.

The most effective tool for cleaning up the oil working its way into southern Louisiana wetlands may, in the end, be the equivalent of a box of kitchen matches.

Controlled burns are perhaps the least-worst alternative among a small handful of approaches to clear contaminated wetlands of oil or its refined products, several researchers say.

Shorter British Petroleum

2010-05-24T17:45:00.000-04:00

Ok so we're grasping at straws, what of it?

BP plans to pump thick, viscous fluid twice the density of water into the site of the leak to stop the flow so the well can then be sealed with cement in a "top kill" procedure.

Isn't "top kill" what they spray on potatoes just before the harvest?

Shorter State of Arizona

2010-05-23T22:37:00.000-04:00

And don't think all you folks with heavy accents are safe either.

After passing the nation's toughest state immigration enforcement law, Arizona's school officials are now cracking down on teachers with heavy accents.

Shorter Mother Nature

2010-05-22T22:30:00.001-04:00

Here's one for ya, what's hairy with a bald face and paws, glazed eyes, a warthog-like mouth, and a rat's tail?

Shorter Blogging Tory

2010-05-22T14:34:00.000-04:00

Chill out on the MPs audit thing OK. You can trust them because they'd never misspend a penny.

Relax bloggers who seem not to be able to let this go. Relax public and enjoy the summer.

This will all be resolved when cooler heads prevail, instead of in the hysteria mode now.

Shorter Stephen Harper

2010-05-22T11:31:00.001-04:00

Really guys, I'd like to help but my hands are tied.

The Conservative government does not have the authority to force parliamentarians to disclose details of their expenses to the auditor general, Prime Minister Stephen Harper says.

Government sources told CBC News that privately Harper is keen to see the matter of expenses resolved, with more transparency.

[ h/t Stageleft ]

Shorter George Orwell

2010-05-21T14:42:00.000-04:00

I tried to warn you, but would anybody listen?

The Britain of today is watched constantly by CCTV cameras, is preparing for a national ID card, slaps a "crown copyright" on most government data, and can now censor websites and eventually boot people off the Internet.

Shorter Stephen Harper

2010-05-20T22:10:00.001-04:00

Who cares about inconvenience to others, I'm the Prime Minister of Canada dammit and if I want traffic stopped for a cheesy family photo then traffic will be stopped for my cheesy family photo

Shorter Michael Ignatieff

2010-05-20T14:26:00.000-04:00

The big boys are saying bad things about me

Michael Ignatieff blames his lowly status in the polls on his adversaries, who he says have “done a number on me.” And that was before today’s EKOS results showing the Liberals slipping even farther into the basement of public opinion.

Shorter Glenn Beck

2010-05-20T11:47:00.001-04:00

At least Obama hasn't peed on us.......... yet